Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Brother2 Beware

I woke up sweating, stuck to the sheets as if they were those cheap-plastic chairs that used to suck onto our thighs in high school. One thought plagued my mind "I must call brother 2--it's been 5 days, 5 whole days!"

I must warn him to turn off his cell phone. They know he has class tonight, but they will still call "just to leave a message". Why do they call to leave a message when they know he can't answer? Why don't they call him on the other 6 days of the week when he can answer?

They'll call his voice mail and then, like sharks circling for the kill, they'll dial my number. She will dial my home phone, and he will dial my husband's cell phone. They will dial at the same time, hoping the smoke will confuse their prey. They'll sound understanding when they say, "We understand that you are very busy, and we're so proud of you and what you are accomplishing. God, when did we see you last...January, was it? Oh, we understand, although it would be nice to see you...."

On and on and on, until they realize that I've put the phone down (deaf dad=loud talking). "Oh, are we bothering you? Are you busy? We're soooo sorry--we'll let you go". An hour later I will finally be set free.

Have you ever seen the National Geographic show about the killer whales? Have you seen the part where they choose a baby seal, once they have finished feasting on its friends, and throw it around in the air for a while, like a little furry ball? Sure they put it back on the beach when they're done, alive and unharmed (physically), but would you want to go on living after that? Seals can't afford therapy.

You see, my mom is retiring, and her retirement party is quickly approaching. For some completely asinine reason, however, they've scheduled it for a weeknight. At first, my mother was hinting that she'd like us to come, but now she's against it because she thinks the whole thing is "stupid". My mom never uses words as lame as "stupid". Something is up.

I've told her that I will try to take that day off and drive back. It's a long drive, but I can handle it. Brother2 can also take that day off. She keeps telling us that it would be ridiculous for us to take off work and drive up there in the middle of the week for her "stupid" party. She's even telling the hosts not to send us invitations since Brother2 and I are very busy people.

Now I have to track down the hosts and have them send the info, and she's throwing a fit. She does not want us to come.

Brother2 is a boy who has never had a serious relationship, so I had to explain it in woman language: When she says "No, it's fine. Please don't trouble yourselves" it means "Your asses had better be there or you'll never live it down."

I want to be there, and it was never a question as to whether or not I'd take the day off. She's busted her butt for 36-years in the often turbulent, public school system. She is a celebrity in our hometown. We actually have to dine out in the next town over because it got so hard to have dinner with all her former students and her students' parents coming up to us to cry, hug, and thank her. It's weird seeing your parents through other people's eyes. Brother2 and I wanted it to be a surprise that we were coming, but somehow that backfired on us.

I'm not answering that phone.

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