Monday, April 04, 2005

Do ya wanna duck or a chicken?

You make me sick.

It's nearing 9:00am, and, as usual, I'm dreading the world's arrival. You see, in academia, arriving before 10:00am is a bit heretical. I, however, truly enjoy the morning hours of unadulterated work--those hours when no one comes in to chat or, worse, to demand my time for their purposes. Even though it means people get angry when you leave at 5:00pm when they have to stay until 6:00pm (you do the math and figure out what's wrong with that logic), I still like to be here by 7am regardless of my exhaustion from not sleeping.

Today is different though; I'm not enjoying it in the least. I don't want to rant and rave and frighten you away so I won't go into details, but please trust me when I tell you that today is not going to be a good one. Moreover, it appears that this entire week is going to be over-the-top. This will be a good week for you to buy stock in Kleenex, because I shall be using a lot of it (for both crying and my recently-developed-rat allergies).

So, you are probably asking yourself, "how does she stay sane and not throw herself from the 4th-floor balcony, as she threatens to do daily?" Well, the answer is complicated, but one could say it is because of my father. I'll give you an example:

Message left on my husband's cell phone by my father:
Father:
Hey, this is your father-in-law...you know, your wife's father (because my husband has several father-in-laws?)...Listen, I was calling to ask you...do you want chickens or ducks? I'll talk to you later....mmm, bye.

What I said to my husband when he told me:
Me:
Oh my God, no....no, not again!
(background: my childhood pets included: 2-ducks, more than 30 chickens, a goat, at least 10 dogs, more than 50 cats, 3-turkeys, guineas, numerous frogs, countless goldfish, gerbils, hamsters...the list goes on and on)

My husband returns my father's call:
Husband:
Hey, what did you mean about wanting ducks or chickens?
Father:
I was at the flea-market (my father's favorite past time) and they had ducks and chickens. You can have your choice, but I'd go with the ducks. You can make a pond for them in your yard, and they'll be easier to keep.

Have I mentioned that we live IN a major city? Have I mentioned the multiple-zoning laws that my father has already tried to break for us (ex. 8-foot-tall, inflatable PINK rabbit)

Husband:
I don't think we want...are you serious? You're joking right?
My mother in the background:
So help me God, if you bought more animals, I'm going to pack my things and leave. I'm not kidding this time.
Father:
Oh hon, you stay out of this.
Mother:
I told you the last time, no more animals!
Husband:
Please tell me you didn't buy us ducks.
Father:
Don't worry, I bought lots of food so it won't cost you a thing.
Husband to me:
Is he kidding?
Me:
I don't know--it's so hard to tell.
Husband (trying to call my father's bluff):
Well, I guess you can drop them off next time you're visiting.
Father:
Ahhh, so you really do want the ducks.
Me:
My God, don't try to call his bluff. He'll take that to mean you want ducks! He always takes the joke too far!
Father:
O.K. then, we'll bring them next time we're down...mmm, bye.
Me: Shit, did he hang up? Why did you let him hang up?!

Background:
My father used to take his rifle outside the night before Easter to "hunt rabbits".
My father told me one morning that I wasn't allowed to go outside because he had found "crop circles" in our field.
My father told me that there were "alligators" in our creek.
My father put explosives in a "ground hog hole" and set them off (he had dug the hole himself--chill out PETA).

Needless to say, two weeks have gone by, and we still have no ducks. I think we are safe.

This is what keeps me sane...you figure it out.

2 Comments:

At 6:04 PM, Blogger Katie said...

One time my Aunt got my Grandma ducks for April Fool's day, but it sounds like your dad is taking it to a whole different level.

 
At 9:10 PM, Blogger she falters to rise said...

You have no idea;) Do you know that turkeys will pick a person as their "favorite" and then proceed to attack anyone who gets close to the chosen favorite. I still have a scar (I am never the favorite). That one almost did my mom and dad in.

 

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