Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Growing Up

Have I mentioned how much I hate talking to people about post doctoral positions? Have I described how painful it is to present myself as a put together, focused individual? Well, I hate it.

Presenting my data is one thing--I love power point, and I love turning science into visual art. I'm pretty sure that people come to my talks to see what my presentation looks like rather than to grasp what I've actually done. Also, I'm used to teaching zombie undergrads so I actually have a good time "entertaining" interested people with my data. I love head nodders.

It's the chitchat that gets me every time. I sweat, I panic, and I say the stupidest things. I hate this. I hate that I've finally proven myself here, I've earned the right to be respected, and now I have to start all over. What if I can't convince people that I am who I say I am on paper? It's 7am, and I think I need a drink. I wish I was kidding.

On the other side of the Yin-Yang coin, however, I think that I want to study the role of epigenetic factors in neurodevelopmental and neuropsychiatric disorders. I've really been struggling to figure out my research goals; thus, it's nice to now have a little clarity. I've done the genetics thing for too long now (I remember when my husband hung my first-cloned-gene sequence on the fridge--so dorky). I'm doing some work with chromatin /histone modifications right now, so it wouldn't be too far of a stretch. It's a nice feeling knowing what you'd like to do next; it's an unsettling feeling, however, not knowing if you can find a lab fitting your interests. We'll see...

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