Monday, April 25, 2005

Real women have dirty houses

I don't trust people who claim to have clean houses, unless they have a maid. No working woman has a clean house--that's why we all dread the pop-in (or the, "honey, I forgot to mention that so-and-so was coming by"). If you do have a clean house, you can't be my friend because I'm insecure.

Here's my Martha Stuart Mask for pretending I keep a clean house:

Always keep Clorox wipes in the bathroom and kitchen. Clean only what is visible. You can use them on the floor too.

Always keep a large, empty tub in whatever room your guest will not be in. Before your guest arrives, run around the house and throw all your crap in it. If you don't have a dishwasher, keep another tub to throw dishes in (fill with some dishwater, don't be gross) for when you have the surprise guest on your doorstep. Put tubs back in the "hidden room" until guest leaves.

Candles, candles, candles--they make things seem cleaner. Stick with candles that smell like food (vanilla, buttercream, etc.). These are the best at masking the mess.

Try to have people over after dark--the house looks cleaner at night.

Since I've never actually managed to get the laundry cleaned and put away, make sure you keep all of your clean and dirty piles in the hidden room (or closet if you're short on space). Make sure the door to your hidden room is hard to open so that no one accidently goes in there.

It's O.K. to throw everything into trash bags and sort it out later. You can even hide the trash bags in the outside-trash bin. Just remember to go back out and get them when your guests leave.

Always get your guests drunk. They will be happy, and they won't remember as much.

I hope this helps.


At 6:10 PM, Blogger Suzanne said...

Amen! I find housecleaning so dispiriting because it all just gets dirty again. So, really, I say to myself, why bother? But then I find myself thinking that an outside observer would assume that someone in the deep stages of psychosis lived in my house. Then, once again, I am compelled to herd the cats.

(Great blog, by the way!)

At 9:27 PM, Blogger Jessica said...

Oh, I needed this post...

I use to be compulsive about my house until it finally wore me out. Growing up, my mother was an alcoholic who would still be in bed when I came home from school; the house and the laundry, consequently, went unattended. As a result, I grew up equating a messy house with being out of control of your life.

Thank goodness for therapy - I am now healthy, messy, and wise (grin).

At 10:43 PM, Blogger trisha said...

Sound advice. Thank you.

At 8:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love this! What did we do before clorox wipes?? And my other thing lately is, messy is NOT the same as dirty, so i've been known to run the vacuum (a frequent necessity with 4 cats and 2 crumb-dropping boys) right around the piles of toys, just pushing the stuff ahead of me into corners as i go!

At 9:41 AM, Blogger she falters to rise said...

Bravo! Bravo! I also love baskets. Throw your crap in it, put it in a corner, and bam, junk is turned into a decoration.

At 1:38 AM, Blogger muse said...

Never doubt the power of the Closed Door. The Closed Door can be your best friend. It can hide piles of books/clothes/dvds/paperwork/etc. thrown in hurriedly, all the while hinting at a mysterious side of you that only a chosen few will ever see ("what does she hide behind The Door? Her personal boy-toy? Her swanky home office? The Crown jewels?")


I _love_ your tips. I'd add Don't forget about the wonders of fabric: pile up mess in a corner, cover with a colourful tablecloth or throw, and tell guests that these are boxes and things that you will be dropping off at a local charity tomorrow. Look like a good samaritan & a neater person all at once! *chuckles*

At 7:22 AM, Blogger she falters to rise said...

Closed doors are my friend, definitely. I had never thought of fabric--you are an expert at this I see. I now know what I'm doing this weekend, and it involves fabric and Febreeze. Thank you for making me a better person on the outside where it counts;)

At 11:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

All of you must be lazy and dirty pieces of crap.

At 10:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow seriously? clean your house! You must live in a trash heap! gross!

At 2:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You guys are gross and lazy! You have kids and cats and dirty laundry everywhere! Ugh! Get off your butt and clean that place before the mold spores grow and you all get pneumonia! Gross!!!

At 5:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm agreeing with you buddy. Your nasty house is a personal reflection of your inner self. Bet you have nasty cars full of trash as well. Not wife material.


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