Friday, April 15, 2005

We all share the same family

Many people worry that their family is out of control, that the "crazy" bug decided to land on their flower and taint it all up while leaving the surrounding flowers pure and free. Don't worry. That bastard landed on all of our flowers, tainting the whole-damn field, and, when I see him again, I'm putting his head on the chopping block. (Quite literally, most former-farm girls have chopping blocks in storage).

My family looks very normal. Some people have actually been afraid to tell me about their family's issues because they think mine is so normal--I couldn't possibly understand. Have I mentioned the hole in my parent's living room wall because a freaked-out family member decided to kill a headless phantom using a Dunkin' Donuts Coffee mug? In his defense, what he saw seemed perfectly real, and, if I were in his shoes, I would have done the same. Also, he was trying to protect the rest of us, which is really sweet, and I love him more for it.

Regardless, I've decided to tell you a story about another family member. An individual who has taken advantage of my kind, loving, selfless mother over and over again; thus, he deserves to be an example for us to laugh knowingly at. Also, he has no medical condition that would account for his actions other than maybe having Narcissistic Personality Disorder, so I feel he set himself up for this. I won't tell you how he's related--let's just say he's more closely related than I would like to admit. We'll refer to him as Billy Bob since he will someday most certainly be on Cops like another unnamed family member. I wish that was a joke.

Billy Bob drove through a neighbor's fence, entirely through it, and straight down the middle. Billy Bob claims he left a note; maybe the chickens ate it (again, I wish I was kidding). The neighbor called the police, hit and run of course. When the police arrived at Billy Bob's home a short time later, Billy Bob was quite trashed. Now, Billy Bob claims that he was sooooo upset about hitting the fence that he went home and started drinking to ease the pain. He swears that he left a note, although no note was found at the crime scene. The police couldn't figure out how Billy Bob finished off a case of beer in the time between the crime and their arrival. Billy Bob must have really been traumatized. This is not Billy Bob's first offense, and I won't get started into how he gave his child away for cash...oh my God, you have no idea. Did I mention that Billy Bob is in his 40's, not his 20's? Billy Bob couldn't explain how he managed to drive through a very visible fence. He was definitely not drinking and driving (please note sarcasm here). I'm sure my mom will bail Billy Bob out of this one--she's one of those people who just can't stop being nice.

My flower got hit hard. I'm sure yours did too. It's funny, but a lot of people find these stories hard to believe. I wish I was talented enough to make this stuff up. Feel free to share yours.


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