To whom it may concern:
Please don't continuously call out my name as I run down the hall to the restroom because you want to ask me an asinine question that you should already know the answer to. When I refuse to turn around, don't yell that you are too "busy" to wait for me to finish my business. If I am running, and I usually am, I will not and can not stop. Calling out my name will only cause me to wash my hands and play with my eyebrows in the mirror that much longer.
Please don't come in here everytime you see someone talking to me just to "peak your head in". You are making yourself look like a crazy person. Believe it or not, a lot of people come by during the day for scientific purposes. You wanted smart people in your lab--smart people are often consulted for their "intellectual opinions". I don't want to play whack-a-mole when your head pops in through the door frame, but I feel you are leaving me no choice.
Please don't repeat the same question more than twice in one day. Write it down if you are having trouble remembering.
Asking me to email you something "for your records" is a low priority request, and I will do it when I get to the low priority part of my checklist. Since you need the item....uh....never, I can't muster the energy to send it to you right at this moment.
Please don't tell me about your lame-ass weekend, taking up 30 min of my time, and then come back 10 min later and ask me why it's taking me so long to do X. I was trying to do X when you decided to come in and detail how much you had to drink on Saturday.
If I don't look up from my computer while you are talking to me, don't keep talking. I'm not trying to be rude; I'm just trying to get my work done. If you have something important to say, I'll stop, but don't stand there staring at me while you wait for me to look up just so you can ask me who is speaking on Wednesday. There is a flyer outside your door--read it.
Thank you for understanding. Please don't be offended. Please respect my space and time. Please don't make me resort to words like cocksucker. I don't want it to go that far.