I need a helper elf
I was so busy yesterday that I found myself forgetting to breathe from time to time. My husband says it's not good to stop breathing when I'm concentrating, especially when I do it while lifting weights and driving, but it's not as though I'm aware right away when I've stopped.
I first spent hours trying to find the source for a statement I had made in my paper. Having a great memory is good only when you can remember all of the details. I can remember facts and concepts when I'm reading, but I really have a hard time remembering authors, paper titles, and/or the journals containing the cited papers of interest. When I'm writing, I usually cite as I go, but occasionally I forget to put in a reference right away. If only I had a helper elf to go through my stacks of papers and pdfs (sigh).
I next spent hours labeling slides--I labeled 300 to be exact. Imagining filling out 300-address stickers by hand. If that sounds fun to you, you need to seek help or get a job in a packaging factory (or as a scientist). I put some crappy shoes, a hammer, and some shoe polish out on my porch last night next to the slides, but my elf never came. (I suspect the evil squirrel with the stumpy tail may have had something to do with my no-show elf). What good are elves if they won't do anything but fix shoes? They apparently won't even stop by to do that anymore--my shoe still has a hole near the toe.
I then tried to crunch 698 words down to 500. This would be easy if the 698 words hadn't already been edited several times. I have put everything into active voice, taken out as many needless phrases as possible, and crunched things into as many compound nouns/adjectives as I could think up. The conservative bastard who started this whole concise is good/word limits are good propaganda should be shot. Concise is good; word limits, however, can be very, very bad.
I don't think my elf could help me with this one. I've never met an articulate elf. I think they spend too much time in trees making cookies and cereal--the fumes alone make them a little wacky and stunt their language development, I'm guessing.
After everything was said and done, I still had to figure out how to turn hot dogs, eggplant, spinach, and left-over pizza and taco salad into a meal. We had a little bit of everything, but not enough of one thing to be a meal alone. If I had an elf, he could have run to the store for me. Or he could at least run and get me some Tums right now. I would be thankful either way.
My husband did the dishes, so I didn't need an elf for that one. Thank God, because I'm beginning to think that maybe elves don't really exist.