The flood in my brain
Call me judgmental, but I have decided that it is OK to hate someone because they think it is hilarious to refer to the kids on the "short bus" as "window lickers". You all know how I feel about that. I hate myself more for being so angry that I couldn't spit out the words necessary to explain why I find "window licker" inappropriate. Although this event happened several weeks ago, I'm just processing it now. Why are some things on a delay in our brains? Someone should study that.
I woke up crying this morning. I cried in the shower, and then I cried for almost another 20 min after I got to work. I cried because I'm tired and exhausted and could use a little positive reinforcement from somebody other than the bus driver (my bus drivers are very nice). I'm crying because I have things to worry about that I don't have the time or energy to worry about. I'm crying because everything right now is an unknown: I don't know when I'll be done. I don't know if or when my paper will get published. I don't know where we are going to find the money. I don't know where I'll work or what I'll be doing in 6 months (give or take 6 months). I don't know if I'll be alright or if we'll ever have children or if I'll ever figure out how to knit the edging on my new project. I don't know anything but everyone expects me to know everything--for some reason they believe I know everything and that makes me cry more.
I like the commercial where the two chickens at the deli (dead and defeathered chickens) start to sumo wrestle. I like the chapter on sumo wrestlers in Freakonomics. So, now I know why drug dealers live with their mothers, but why do most of our friends who make way more money than we do live with their mothers?
Should I email my mentor and tell her my labmate and closest friend here is having a breakdown and needs some freaking support? Should I tell her that my labmate is one of the most tremendous scientists I have ever met and deserves to be treated better and given more pats on the back? Is that overstepping my bounds? My mentor isn't even on this coast all summer so how else is she going to find out? What is wrong with this system?
My head hurts. I realize that I've had no water today, but I really would rather have a beer right now than a glass of water. I also realize that I'll probably not have either because the kitchen is so far away when your knees ache as bad as mine do right now.
That's all--I'm not fading to blank.