What I Want: Part 3
This is a hard one, so it must stand alone. I don't know if I've ever said this to anyone before--I've hinted at it, but never really said it directly. It will all make sense after part 4--I promise.
Once Upon a Time,
I didn't go to Princeton.
My college years can be summed up in that sentence. Every sick, disturbing, and sad thing that happened, the paralysis that was my life for four years, can be boiled down into 5-words.
I don't know why I did it, or rather, didn't do it.
I don't know.
Post hoc analysis (nerd-speak for hindsight) has revealed to me that I spent 4, expensive years at SmallLiberal Arts College filled with obnoxious young republicans wanting to seem liberal in the middle of BFE learning a very valuable, critical lesson.
Regret is a bitch. It will numb you and paralyze you and make you hate things that you normally would embrace. It clouds your judgement and sucks away your life, wasting precious years of the limited time we all spend on this planet. It turns you into someone else, who you eventually begin to identify as yourself...only it isn't really you...or is it?
I don't know why I didn't go. I do, but I don't. It was money (funny how it's back again). It was fear of being outed for the sub-genius that I am. It was the overwhelming feeling that I had to be close to my family to help them through those dark days--I guess that was really guilt for abadoning them as a teenager. It's funny, but I never really went home during those years because I was, of course, paralyzed.
I learned that if you make a decision to do something because you perceive obstacles or failures or fears standing in the way of what you truly want, you will live with regret and the demons that follow. It almost killed me--I almost never came to be your blogger friend.
I learned that, instead of doing what "seems" right, you need to examine the obstacles and fears and find solutions so that you can travel the road less traveled, the road you want.
I learned you had better be really honest with yourself about what you truly want.
I learned that something as stupid as picking one really good school over one superb school could become a feed-forward loop, eventually turning into something that is too large for one person to handle without cracking.