Memo to God
Today is my big committee meeting. I had a semi-big one last month, but today is the large-scale, shock and awe campaign. Well, I hope it goes better than that, but who knows;) I just wanted to share with you my early morning conversation with God.
I know we have not been on the best of terms since way back during the days of traffic cone stealing, bridge decorating, and political sign defacing. Granted, I seemed to have "strayed", but let us remember that you never did send that elephant or childhood friend to occupy my idle time. I'm not accusing you or saying it is your fault, but, as my mother likes to say "it takes two to tango--you are both grounded". Speaking of, it doesn't always take two to tango, but that is a different grievance.
When I spilled my coffee on my brand new sweater that I couldn't really afford this morning, I realized that you and I may not be on the same page today. I specifically did not ask you to get rid of that wrinkle on my forehead in exchange for today. Let me remind you also that I did not ask you for world peace or new energy sources or any of the other large-scale demands that exhaust you. All I am asking for, aside from my health, the well-being of my crazy family, and maybe a small fortune in the foreseeable future, is that you make today go smoothly.
To strengthen my case, I would like to argue that I used to be good at one time. I used to not question or doubt or shake my hands at the sky in anger. I used to "understand". There is a good chance that, if today goes smoothly, I may be prone to less anger and, in turn, a more open heart. I can't make any guarantees, but statistics are on your side; we always turn to you during weddings, funerals, and catastrophic world events (not to mention right before almost being killed by a car, airplane, or wild boar) so an event such as today may just push me in your direction. When people win the lottery, they often scream "Oh, my God" or "Praise the Lord", and today would kind of be like winning the lottery...
So, I'm just asking you to take a few moments to reconsider how this day should go for me--I'll even forget the coffee incident if you just throw me a bone.
Thank you (and this is one big joke so don't get angry),