Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Where the Yellow Brick Road Stops

In a few days, it will all be over.

I cried the whole way through American Idol last night. Partly, because Catherine has no self-esteem, and I find that really sad. The other reason for the tears was because Taylor reminds me of me. When you watch him, you see his roots (I don't mean his hair), and you really see what this means to him. It's more than just winning. I also cried because I would rather be in an American Idol finale than defending my dissertation. That is sad.

Whenever I get nervous about my defense, I think, "at least you don't have to sing". I don't know if you have ever sung in front of an audience (other than when you are drunk on karaoke night), but I think it is much more difficult than giving a talk. If you mess up during a talk, you can go back and fix it--you can cover your ass on just about everything you say, other than if you accidentally yell out an obscenity. Once I said "crap" when my slides went crazy during a talk, and that was hard to cover. At least my brain was functioning enough to let crap slip instead of what I would say behind closed doors.

When you sing, however, everything is final. I'm glad I'm not singing.

I'm exhausted, and I'm confused, and I wish I had a job so I didn't have to worry about it. I thought that maybe I could work at a department store for a few months until I got the job thing settled, but when I went shopping this week, the department store girls were annoying and mean to me, and I don't want to work with them. Granted, I was "shopping" at Saks, but just because you sell clothes that I can't afford doesn't mean you can afford them either. This city is very pretentious at times.

Can you tell I'm all over the place today?


At 9:10 AM, Anonymous Katie said...

Oh, the miserable memories that surfaced when I read this. It's awful at times - I just couldn't get around it some days. So I just wanted to say hello and let you know that I think things are going to work out quite well for you. Hang in there. Deep breath. :)

At 11:26 AM, Blogger Lucy said...

Good luck making it through the last few days!

At 4:03 PM, Blogger Katie said...

Best of luck on your defense, you can do it! And you WILL get through all of this!

I always get pretty emotional and am "all over the place" during highly stressful times in my life! You should have seen me a few weeks back when I was waiting for word on my grant and then my grant got rejected. Then my advisor decided it was time to give me a stern "talking to" because I could not get this assay to work.

Focus? I could not focus on a task or thought for more than a few minutes!

Emotions? Definitely VERY labile!

All part of the stress we must endure to get that golden carrot called "Ph.D"!!!!!

But remember, you are now within reach of that golden carrot!

At 10:26 PM, Blogger apparently said...

"Taylor reminds me of me." Taylor will too! It would be abnormal if your emotions were not all over the map. This is how it should be pre-defense or any other high-stress, life-as-I-know-it-could-change event. I was a complete disaster (and pregnant) during my defense. I feel your pain.

At 6:20 AM, Blogger Pink Cupcake said...

Awww, hugs. Good luck with these last few days...when are you defending?

And, I'm certain you'll get a wonderful job quite soon. You just need some time to readjust and relax, so that you're on top form once again.

Take care...

At 6:07 PM, Blogger Murky Thoughts said...

You'll be swell. Also this line about music being final is the product of a depressed mind. People gloss and make saves all the time. Rule more than exception. Big mouth like you, I bet you've had to make saves with your friends and family. Your school loves you too, despite appearances. At least, they want you to pass, all things equal, and if it's like a lot of places they could care less about how you perform and really everything depends on what they know your adviser thinks of you.


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